Day 35: Leadership in Humility

Today is Day 35 which is five weeks of the omer . . . Ha-yom shloshim v'chamesh yamim, she-hem chamishah sh'vuot la-omer.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Chod + Malchut - Humility and Leadership

As we wrap up our week of humility, we have hopefully worked on letting go a little bit more of our egos, which has hopefully helped us to recognize the part of ourselves that is a part of something bigger that we care about.  I know for myself, I've thought about how I am as a husband, a parent, a rabbi, a son - all sorts of roles - and done a little bit of separation between what I make about me in each of these roles, and what I do that is not about me at all but about these relationships. 

Now we turn the tables of such exploration specifically to the area of leadership.  How do we use our humility to lead?  What I've been finding through these reflections is that it takes a quiet confidence to be humble.  When we have insecurities in our egos, this is when we have the most trouble achieving humility.  In such situations, we tend to need feedback in order to feed our sense of self - to receive validation or support or confirmation that what we are doing is good and appreciated. 

When we are unable to fill ourselves up with what we are doing, it is hard to have true humility about our actions, since we feel the need seek out affirmation.  My mentor from the Rhea Hirsch School of Education at Hebrew Union College in Los Angeles, Dr. Michael Zeldin, once met with me to discuss how I was doing in an internship, and we spent a good deal of time talking about confidence.  He asked me where my confidence comes from, and at first I responded with feedback from others.  And he helped me to understand that confidence has to come from within based on being able to analyze one's own actions with the tools of a plethora of theories and best practices.  We take feedback in as a means to assess the work we are doing, but that should not be a referendum on the person we are.

When we have a quiet confidence that comes from within - a sense of who we are, even as we are willing to openly question and analyze and improve upon the work that we do - the feedback we seek becomes more about our shared purposes than about our individual needs.  And this is what it means to lead through humility.  As we ask questions of others and relate to others in the course of trying to make things happen in our world, the key is to not make such interactions about us, but to keep focused on the tasks at hand.  And when we model this in our leadership roles, we lead through humility. 

THE OMER CHALLENGE:

Today is a day to work on our self-confidence.  Think back to the paper-slip activity and focus a bit on the building-up side: "For my sake, the world was created."   Spend a few moments just taking-in an aspect of our world that reminds us that "For my sake, the world was created."  Let this experience remind us that we have positive things to experience in this world and to contribute to it, and that we are worthy of living up to our responsibilities.    

As a VERY BROAD CHALLENGE (I wish I had ideas for how to make this more measurable and concrete, but nothing's popping up and it's time to get the post out).  During the course of the day, in the tasks we attempt, let's work on separating out the validation we crave for our own sense of self from the feedback we need in order to evaluate what we do.  Let us hear feedback openly and not conflate it with who we are but rather allow it to inform what we do.  Practice this, and see if it works for us.  This way, we can be more open to questioning the ways we approach our tasks in ways that might allow us to go about our work/projects/relationships with a bit more humility.  And we might inspire others to do so, as well.

Days 32, 33, and 34: LOTS of humility (And Lag B'omer - the big break of the Omer)

Today is Day 34 which is 4 weeks and

SO, I guess on the weekends blogging gets tougher  - with the different schedule and with the fact that as a rabbi, I've been working most of the weekend, and I'm still learning that balance.  But rather than just move past the last couple of days.  Though I haven't written about them yet, they have a lot of meaning, so I'll incorporate them all together in this post.  


THE OMER INTERSECTION: Chod + Nitzach, Chod, and Yesod - Humility mixed in with endurance, humility, and today's actual intersection, bonding:


As we build back up to today's intersection, let's at least run through the others from the past few days: 
Humility and Endurance - What are the challenges to sustaining our humility?  When are there moments in which we are tempted to ignore our humility and act with brashness?  Do these lapses in humility take us away from the person we are trying to be? Sometimes, we choose in the short term to respond with ego instead of taking a step back and allowing our humility to give us the patience to endure.  One of the most common scenarios in which we respond in such a way is the inclination to say, "I'll just do it myself" when someone else struggles, doesn't fully follow through, does something differently than we would, etc.  There is nothing humble about "I'll just do it myself," even when we think we're doing it to be helpful to others.  Not that there is never an appropriate time for such a response, but we probably all do this more often than we should.  


Humility and Humility - What holds us back from being humble?  Is it the vulnerability of allowing myself to reflect and see where I may have made mistakes as opposed to blaming everything on someone or something else?  Do I see my humility as central to my ego, making it not so much an expression of letting go of ego, but rather making it a central part of who I am?  When we are humble because we think we should be, we are making our response about us rather than about the bigger issue going on.  This intersection from the lag B'Omer (which was today - more on that soon) requires us to remember to keep our focus on that which is outside ourselves


Humility and Bonding - Sometimes, when we respond from a place of  humility, we can feel a bit lonely.  To walk a path of humility sometimes requires us to suppress certain things we might want to say but would not be productive for our cause, our community, and ultimately ourselves.  Examples of such experiences include times when we hear private things about someone else that the other would not want us to share or when we end up looking bad when someone else does not follow-through as expected.  To share such details would make us feel better in the short-term, but we might regret such actions later.  Our intersection for this evening and Monday challenges us to rethink our reactions to such situations.  We have to recognize that in such cases, the drive to share with others can be a bit more about our own egos.  Because we are so worried about that part of ourselves, we might feel alienated and separate when acting on our humility.  But, if we let go of the ego, chalk it all up to a part of the bigger picture, and act in ways to support others and work more closely with others, these moments of humility can actually bring us closer together.  




THE OMER CHALLENGE:
For this day, when we have a moment in which we are tempted to assign blame to someone or something else, stop.  Whether in speaking to someone else or just in contemplating a situation for ourselves - let us instead take responsibility for being a part of the solution, working with others and bringing them closer.  Excuses can push people away, even when legitimate.  There are times for excuses, but for today, let's not make this one of those times.  


Shavua Tov!

Day 31: How Compassion Can Help Us Reach Humility?

Today is Day 31, which is four weeks and three days of the Omer. . . Ha-yom echad u'shloshim yom, she-hem arba'ah sh'vuot u'shloshah yamim la-omer.

   

 

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Chod + Tiferet - Humility and Compassion:

Humility and compassion seem like they are already companions.  As we're seeing this week, humility is all about our ability to shift our mindset to thinking about how a moment is all about me to how a moment is about something bigger than myself.  It is about seeing the privilege in being a part of, as opposed to taking for granted that such moments in life just happen.  To reach such a state of humility, we have to reach outside ourselves, and this is what tiferet, compassion, pulls at us to do.

While we have also been exploring the boundaries in which too much chod can suppress us and can overly diminish our sense of self, today's intersection calls out to us to actively pursue the times in which we are not finding enough humility.  It is our sense of compassion that has the potential to move us out of our self-important bubbles and towards finding greater meaning outside of ourselves in all aspects of our lives.

THE OMER CHALLENGE:

So, today, let's work on our humility.  If we followed through with yesterday's paper-slip challenge (more on that in a bit), we may have found a few places in our lives where we realized that more humility might be a good thing.  Let's pick an area our lives in which we could use an extra dose of humility, and open our hearts to feeling compassion for others.  If we need to do this as a spouse, then spend time listening and openly inviting our partners to share with us, and as we listen try to experience the discussion from their perspective and point of view, and not how it makes us feel.  If we need the humility at work, let's seek out and listen to the ideas of others and genuinely consider what they have to say, seeking to find merit rather than listening just to shut it down.  Wherever we need it, let's work to bring that humble approach to our lives.

OMER REFLECTION: The Paper-slip challenge

I have to admit, I really LOVED the idea to actually put the pieces of paper in each pocket from yesterday.  I had to look at the "dust and ashes" slip a few times just to remind myself that the concept for this experiment was not my own, but based on century-old wisdom passed along to us.  For the most part I followed-through on the exercise, and I absolutely learned a few things about myself and about humility:

1) I think of myself as a humble person.  I don't crave the spotlight unless it is about a bigger cause than myself, I constantly and consciously fight to ensure that what I do is more about values and the needs of those I love and serve rather than my own ego, and I can be genuinely hard on myself.  I had expected to be reaching into the "world for me" pocket more often than the "dust and ashes" reminder.  But the opposite was true.  Maybe this is just what I do all the time to keep my ego in check, but it was an important self-realization.  (In fact, I just reached back into the "dust and ashes" pocket to remind myself that while I am definitely doing self-reflection here for self-growth, this blog space is also for others and I shouldn't just make it about me.)

2) Humility is all about an appropriate balance.  A number of times, I found myself reaching into one pocket, only to then feel the need to reach into the other!  For part of the day yesterday, we were shooting a video for the last day of religious school.  We were dressed in ridiculous costumes, and I figured, if I'm going to embrace the embarrassment and silliness of this moment, I needed the self-confidence "world for me" reminder.  As I did so, I then thought, "But I have to keep in mind that as fun as I'm having while doing this, it's not about me - it's about creating a moment for the kids in the religious school.  So, I reached my other hand in the other pocket and grabbed both slips of paper at the same time.  I found this happening a number of times during the day..  

3) Doing such a concrete, ongoing, accessible activity throughout the day really helped me gain consciousness about my thoughts and actions.  It did so in a wholly unexpected way.  Of course, there were times during the day when I forgot I even had the papers, but then I'd get back on track, and each time I had to decide, it brought a whole different awareness of the moment at hand.  I learned so much from this experience, that I have the papers in my pockets again today, hoping to continue to grow from it all!

Day 30: A Pocket Experiment - Humbly Seeking Discipline and Our Voices

Today is Day 30, which is four weeks and two days of the omer . . . Ha-yom shloshim yom, she-hem arba'ah sh'vuot u'shnei yamim la-omer.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Chod + Gevurah - Disciplined humility:

Today is an odd couple.  Chod and Gevurah - discipline in humility.  They don't seem to go together much, as humility has always struck me as a virtue that comes about organically.  But I guess this is why today's intersection has great significance, because we do not always spend a great deal of energy actively pursuing and honing our humility. 

So, the first question should be, in what ways do we need discipline/focus in our humility?

There is a rabbinic saying attributed to 18th-19th century Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Peshischa (a town in Poland), that: at all times one should carry two slips of paper, one in each pocket. When we have a moment in which we are feeling down on ourselves and low, we reach into one of the pockets to pull out the slip of paper that has the Talmudic statement, "For my sake, the entire world was created" (Babylonian Talmud Sanhedrin 38a).  And at times in which we are feeling really high on ourselves - maybe a little too high, we reach into the other pocket to find the paper that has the words of Abraham, "I am but dust and ashes" (Genesis 18:27). 

Perhaps this is the discipline we need - to be aware that there are times for humility and times to subdue our humility in search of our voice - the words and sounds for which the entire world was created.  

We each have our tendencies - towards brashness and self-importance or towards humility.  And we may experience each in different areas of our lives (i.e. put me in a conversation about baseball strategy, and I need a major dose of humility in order to listen to someone else's perspective and to avoid coming across as a know-it-all.  Ask me to speak for a cause, and I need to remove my self-doubts and my excess humility to find my voice that can speak to the moment at hand).  Gevurah demands that we harness our own tendencies to be able to apply the appropriate amount of humility for the task at hand for the individual who needs it.  

Now, the caveat here is that we should never lack humility altogether.  Even if we have to fight ourselves to go out and find a voice and speak it to others - in a relationship, in the workplace, on stage at a performance, even in a job interview - we should always do so with a humble approach.  The moment does not need to be about me, but about the shared experience we are facilitating.  Our humility draws us to understand that we have the potential to be a vehicle through which events in this world can happen.  Other people could also be that person to do this, but at this moment, I'm the one who is here.  With such a disciplined approach, we have a greater chance at successfully engaging others in the task at hand.

THE OMER CHALLENGE:

So, I shared a story about the two slips of paper.  I LOVE this story.  I even have a tallit (prayershawl) that has these two expressions written in Hebrew on the corners of the tallit, so I can keep this in mind while I pray and while leading others in prayer, as well.  

Today, let's put this story into practice.  Try it out, LITERALLY!  Let's experiment. I am currently writing down the two expressions on two slips of paper: "For my sake, the entire world was created,"  and, "I am but dust and ashes."  And now, I am putting those papers into my pockets.  Let's each do the same and over the course of the day, when we need it, take out the appropriate statement and look at it (or at the very least, touch the pocket with the needed slogan and re-adjust the level of humility).  Pay attention to how often and in what situations we turn to each statement.  As I write this, I'm taking out the "dust and ashes" statement, as I'm very aware that I am audaciously asking you to do some crazy kind of exercise.  And I need to keep in mind that my request is not for my benefit, but an offer to you to take it on as you would for your own sake, not mine. 

Happy humbling (and un-humbling)!

Day 26: Humility in Endurance

Today is Day 26, which is three weeks and five days of the Omer . . . Ha-yom shishah v'esrim yom, shehem shloshah shvuot v'chamishah yamim la-omer

 

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Nitzach + Chod - Humility in Endurance
In the midst of our endurance, we can sometimes get too wrapped up in our own sense of ego that we see our perseverance as a source of personal achievement and ability.  Doing so can cause us to develop tunnel vision for a particular path of our choosing and might blind us from other possible ways of going about our task that might work better for us or for others.  This is where chod comes in - as a means to remind us that we may not always know everything, and it is okay to look outside oneself for ideas/advice/inspiration.  Our chod keeps us flexible in the face of obstacles and challenges to our endurance towards an ultimate goal.

THE OMER CHALLENGE:
BE FLEXIBLE.  At some point, today, at a moment in which we normally would find ourselves to be upset, let's catch ourselves, allow our sense of chod to check our egos, and be open to trying a different path through the challenge.

DAY 5: Stepping forth humbly

Today is Day 5 of the Omer. . . Ha-yom chamishah yamim la-omer.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Chesed + Chod;  Humility in Love.

Shavua Tov - may this be a fantastic new week!  Our intersecting virtues on this day involve the humbling aspects of love.  Showing loving kindness towards another can build us up and make us feel very big and important.  And yet it can also be a very humbling experience. Afterall, relationships happen between people, and they are not one-sided.  For the sake of the other, we sometimes willingly endure that which we typically would never think of doing for ourselves. 
If our valued relationships are to be healthy, we sometimes have to remove our own ego and humble ourselves before another. 

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  In many ways, this has been a pre-requisite for the tasks in the last few days.  In order to ensure endurance in a relationship, to be able to find compassion in our love, we have to find a bit of humility in our hearts - to suppress our own needs for being right, to let go of some of our frivolous expectations, to put the desires of others ahead of our own.  This evening, as I settle in to write this blog, The Ten Commandments (digitally remastered in HD) is on in the background.  And appropriately enough, Charlton Moses just said: "I myself, I am nothing, it is the power of God which uses me to work His will."  If this is not humility, I don't know what is! 

So, for today's challenge, I'm putting forth some options - doing one of these would be great, doing all will feel even better.  But for today it is upon us to humble ourselves before our loved ones:

1) For one day, let go of the need to be right, and just be in relation.  

2) Go forth and do something for a loved one that is fully about their needs, and not our own - be an aide to working someone else's will.

3) Reach out and repair a strained relationship - no matter who was "at fault" or "to blame," humble yourself before them and reach out.  Make the first step in repairing the connection.

THE OMER UPDATE:
Yesterday involved a bit of self-reflection, thinking through the various aspects of the enduring nature of love.  I thought through some of what makes me worth loving - it sounds a bit egotistical, which is why it is good to be followed by this next day of humility.  But, I found it also to be a useful exercise in retaining self-confidence and self-worth.  Let us not get carried away with our reflections, and let today remind us that we have to continue to earn that worthiness of being loved through our behaviors and choices that we make each day.
In addition to the reflective pieces of the day, I had the opportunity to spend time experiencing some of my most enduring relationships, as my wife, daughter, and I are all in my hometown visiting with my parents and siblings and their families. What a blessing to be able to spend time together reconnecting, creating new memories, and re-invigorating our commitments to one another.