Day 14: Being Leaders with our Discipline

Today is Day 14, which is 2 weeks of the Omer . . . . . . Ha-yom arba'ah asar yom, shnei sh'vuot la-omer.

At the conference I'm attending, we have heard from incredible leaders - former vice-president Al Gore, president of the NAACP, the head of Planned Parenthood, current politicians, Jewish leaders in social action - who have chronicled a bit of their own and their organizational journeys to improve and continue to strive to make the world better.  Just as they have allowed their discipline to enhance their leadership, it is out time to figure out how to do the same for ourselves.  

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurah + Malchut;  Discipline + Leadership

Who knew that discipline could have so many facets?  What seemed at first glance to be probably the most straight-forward and practical of our intersecting values has yielded all sorts of wonderful insights and opportunities for growth.  It all culminates with this last day of malchut, sovereignty/leadership.  The whole idea of working on our discipline - for ourselves and with others - has been a means for us to establish more control over the aspects of our world that we hope to change.  In many ways, gevurah is about becoming, and now that we have gotten to the end of the week, it is important to celebrate what our discipline has led us to become.  Of course, we always have more to achieve, more growth to find.  My engineering brain has been trained to seek out continual improvement.  But without stopping from time-to-time to recognize what our discipline has led us to be, we might continue changing without improving, going down paths of discipline that lead us away from our goals instead of towards them, and we might even get burnt out from the sense that we are doing all this work without seeing the benefits.   

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  Good leaders must reflect on how they have led and make adjustments.  How many times have politicians adapted new approaches in order to stay relevant and effective?  Or on a more practical level, how many baseball players have changed their swings in order to compensate for changes in hand-eye coordination or injuries?  How many aging basketball players hone their fadeaway jumpshots (I'm looking at you, Michael Jordan) over the course of their careers so that they do not have to put as much stress on their bodies by charging at the basket every possession?  Not only does such an approach help avoid injury, but it also makes for a more complete player - one who can hit a shot when the defender gives him room, or can blow by him to the basket, should the defender get too close.  
Now, it is up to us to make some adjustments for ourselves - to tinker towards utopia, as a wonderful book about the public school system in America discusses.  The reason we build up our forms of discipline was so that we could improve ourselves and reach new goals.  Today is the time that we take to assess some of those goals.  
TASK: Let us take out any list of goals we might have (I'm going to consult my New Year's resolutions I referred to earlier in the week) and fill out a self-assessment.  We have to ask ourselves, "What did/will it take for me to get there?" "Am I on the right track to achieving this goal? If not, what adjustments to my discipline must I make?"  And if we have managed to achieve a goal on our list, then we should ask two questions:
1) How has this made me a stronger, better person?  How has the accomplishment of this goal changed my life or the lives of others?
2) Now that I'm at this plateau, is there any further development I hope to make in this area of my life?

I know that these ideas may not at first glance look like they have a ton to do with leadership, but being able to self-assess and adjust one's behavior to align more with one's values is paramount to one's ability to make similar decisions in the best interest of a company/family/relationship/team/other-venue-of-leadership.  And in the end, doing so frees us a little bit from the feeling that life just happens to us.  Just as I mentioned in the lead-up to the omer, life happens quickly, and it can sometimes feel as though life is just happening to us.  When we discipline our behavior to align with our goals and the person we WANT to be, then we live out our time - we may not control everything around us, but we have the tools to respond in ways that bring life and blessing to this world.

OMER REFLECTION:
Rachel's birthday was a success!  Thank you to anyone who reached out to her - we both get lifted up when we hear from loved ones.  Between the time we spent together and with colleagues and friends and newly acquired friends from across the country who are also at this conference, we have done a lot of yesod, bonding, as well.  And it takes discipline to be able to manage to have time for all the events and the people in such settings.  But what a worthwhile endeavor.
The rest of yesterday's post involved a reflection on the major events of yesterday.  And on facebook, at this conference, even with random strangers in the elevator - sure enough, there has been a lot of bonding over the discussion of what the death of Osama bin Laden means.  Anyone I asked had something to say.  I don't know if this is a shared moment of joy, relief, confusion, justice, or any other label, I just know that the world shared an experience.  And though I know this is a misquote of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr (only the second half of this statement is his from a 1967 speech, "Where Do We Go from Here"), this snippet I've seen on a few facebook pages offers a summary of a lot of what I've been hearing from people: ‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that"


And from a Jewish perspective here's another reflection that I agree with in parts and not as much in other parts, but found the read to be quite thought-provoking: 


Now, get ready to move on to a week of . . . tiferet - compassion!

Day 13: Bonding through our Discipline

Today is Day 13, which is 1 week and 6 days of the Omer . . . . . . Ha-yom shloshah asar yom, she-hem sh'vua echad v''shishah yamim la-omer.

In Washington DC on this historic evening.  Listened to Al Gore address the Religious Action Center of the Union for Reform Judaism, celebrating my wife, Rachel's, birthday (as of midnight!), and listened to President Obama address the nation with the news that Osama Bin Laden has been killed.  There is a lot to be said.  I'll start out with our regularly scheduled exploration, and let's see where it all leads in connection to the world events - globally and locally.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurah + Yesod;  Discipline + Bonding

Looking back at the beginning of the week, we explored that the motivation for much of our discipline involves our love, our connection, with others.  So, as we go about accomplishing our personal goals, our yesod compels us to keep others in mind.
Are we going about our ultimate goal in a way that brings us together with others?  Or are we so dedicated to our task at hand that we are willing to run people over, push them aside, and alienate others in the name of our goals?  Usually, the answer is somewhere in between, but the convergence of these values challenges us to strive for the former - to bond with others and not to divide.

Another wrinkle to this involves giving discipline.  In order to be an effective "offerer" of discipline, of rebuke, it is incumbent upon us to bond with those we seek to help.  Again, earlier in the week, we asked ourselves, "Is the rebuke I want to give more about my preferences or a genuine belief that it will help someone else?"  Once we've determined that it is more about the other, we have to deepen our relationship and even journey along with those we seek to help.  When we offer critique and leave the other to figure it out all by themselves, we leave them to brush our words off as empty, uncaring, judgmental, or dismissive.  We do not give enough support to truly help them make the changes they might need to make - to have their own sense of discipline, commitment, to taking in the feedback and applying it to their lives.  If we are going to discipline in the sense of rebuke someone else, then our yesod compels us to stand by those whom we critique and be disciplined, committed, to supporting them in improving.

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  We are challenged to see our discipline in terms that bring people together.  I have one exercise and then a reflection question to ponder that is applicable to the world events.
ACTION:
I know I am committed to celebrating with Rachel on her birthday, and I am hoping that anyone reading this will wish her a happy birthday, as well - thus increasing her sense of bonding with the world.  (You can do so through the comments, if needed).  That was an easy one!

REFLECTION:
Tonight, President Obama announced the killing of Osama bin Laden.  The individual who put a plan in motion to take the lives of thousands of civilians on that fateful 9/11 in 2011, the man who has declared time and again that he will continue to kill and terrorize wherever possible, has been stopped.  After years of our country's discipline, commitment, the goal of stopping him has been reached.  In what ways should this moment bring us together?  I know that I could not help but feel some joy in knowing that this person can no longer be the source of death and destruction in our world, inflicting harm on our children.  At the same time I am saddened by the fact that this individual's outlook on the world was so twisted that his death could be the only way to stop him from bringing more hatred, terror, and evil into this world.
There is a sense that this moment can bring us together, since his actions have impacted all of us greatly.  But what should this moment of togetherness be?  I am conflicted about celebrating his death - I have no qualms seeing it as a good thing for the world and for the families who lost loved ones by his hands.  Yet, life is so precious to our tradition that celebrating death seems to lower us to the devaluation of life and hatred for which bin Laden stood.  During Passover, we spill out wine for the Egyptians who died since our joy is not complete when our freedom could only come at the expense of other lives - even when those lives were culpable for our own suffering.  A major reason they had to perish in the Egypt narrative was because they represented that which would continue to come after us until they were destroyed.  Doesn't this sound like bin Laden?  (I'm in no way advocating any spilling of wine on behalf of bin Laden).
So, with this being said, how does this moment help us each to journey forward together?  For one, it should remind us that we all affect one another.  When we share experiences - in our families, in our communities, with our workmates, with our friends - we create bonds with others.  Tomorrow, no matter who we speak to, we will have something to say to one another about this evening's announcement, as it closes this ugly chapter in the collective experiences of all Americans and all world citizens.  As I sit in this hotel room with a view of the capitol building and the Pentagon, watching the news, celebrating Rachel's birthday, and listening to our daughter, Laila, talk in her sleep, I guess this moment is a reminder to us all that we can get back to hoping for a world in which my 17 month old daughter does not need to experience first-hand the hatred, the devaluation of life, and the deep sorrow that we have all come to know since 9/11/2011.  May we all bond in a continued commitment to such a world.

THE OMER UPDATE:

I did make some concrete commitments as steps towards a larger goal of being a healthier me, without going into detail.  I'd say more, but it has gotten too late.  Happy Birthday, Rachel!

Day 11: Enduring Discipline

Today is Day 11, which is 1 week and 4 days of the Omer . . . . . . Ha-yom echad asar yamim, she-hem sh'vua echad v'arba'ah yamim la-omer.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurah + Nitzach;  Enduring Discipline

This one is a bit more straightforward than some.  It is easy to decide that we want to be disciplined, that we want to commit ourselves to that which we judge to be good to do.  It is another task altogether to stick to our new behaviors.  Change is difficult, no matter how obvious the change should be, no matter how much the desire to go through with the change.  We have to unlearn certain patterns of behavior and train ourselves to default into new ways of acting.  If we are truly to incorporate new gevurah, discipline, in our lives, it is imperative that we couple it with nitach, endurance, so that we can stick out the tasks we commit ourselves to doing. 

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  I can't tell you how timely this intersection is.  To date, I have really been getting a lot out of typing up this blog.  Having the space to reflect and grow and learn, it really is fulfilling the mission of making these days count instead of merely counting them down, as I had alluded to in an earlier post.  However, it has taken a lot of time and energy - mostly late at night.  And on the verge of traveling to DC for a conference, I thought, "maybe I might just skip an evening of posting for now."  

But then, what happened when I came into the Temple today was that I heard from a number of people who expressed how much they are enjoying this omer journey.  And I received a few emails from people I love and respect, sharing their reflections on what they've read on this blog.  Though I thought I was committed to this endeavor, I almost let myself down - defaulting to old patterns of my non-blogging state of affairs before this omer period.  It was the support of friends and family who lifted me up and helped me to remember and refresh my new commitment.  Many people have described diets or new jobs or parenthood, the key to finding one's stride is to realize that one is making a new lifestyle, not just modifying an aspect of life.  So, today's challenge: Revisit a recent commitment we have made for ourselves, whether it is a New Year's resolution, a long-time aspiration that we have been putting off, or a recent goal we have set for ourselves.  Let us state that goal/aspiration/resolution/attempt-to-change out loud to at least two people we love and respect, and ask them for their support and help as we incorporate it into our lifestyles.  How do we find endurance in our commitments?  Sometimes, we need to turn to sources of support outside of ourselves to get us through the "change" period as our commitments become more and more a part of how we see ourselves.   

 

THE OMER UPDATE:

Wow, rebuke is hard - even when done with compassion.  Some say that we have lost the ability to truly rebuke others.  I know that it is not in my nature to pass judgment - I avoid it as much as I can, which can be a weakness in certain areas of my life, but usually serves me well in the pastoral elements of the rabbinate.  Briggs-Myers has affirmed that I am not a "J" personality.  So, I actually found yesterday's challenge, to stop before rebuking and figure out how much is about me and how much is about the other, to be a part of how I approach rebuke in my default attempts to avoid giving it.  And I found myself on an unexpected side of my challenge in two ways, instead:
1) I found the need to say something to another person in the way of "rebuke," even though it was wholly against my own desires to do so.  I saw how much it would be important for another person to hear a different perspective, and even though I did not want to have this difficult conversation, I realized that this was the flip side of the challenge.  The conversation was fully for the other's benefit, and I accepted that it might backfire on me if it was not heard with the compassion out of which it was based.  And in the end, it turned into a lovely and important conversation.  I wish I could describe in more depth to offer an example, but I would not want to violate anyone's privacy, nor embarrass anyone.  So, I hope that from this vague description, it gives enough to allow reflection on when we've found ourselves in similar situations.
2) I realized that hearing rebuke takes compassion.  It is easy to dismiss critique and make excuses for ourselves and not realize that elements of rebuke that we receive comes to us from true caring.  When judgment is shared with us from a place of true compassion, when it is more about helping us than the preferences of the giver, it really takes a lot of strength from the other - such appropriate rebuke should never come lightly.  And while our egos may be hurt, we have to realize that someone else cares that much about our development and growth as to go out of their way to put themselves out there, make themselves vulnerable to any way we might mistakenly lash out in defense of our egos.  We have the responsibility to match compassion with compassion and answer back in kind, as difficult as it may be.

Finally, in case you missed the comment from Rabbi Paul Kipnes, a mentor of mine in past experiences and always, who has often given me feedback from the place of compassion and caring about my growth and development, rather than his personal preference, RPK reflected on yesterday's challenge, saying:  "the things we dislike in others are often the things within ourselves that we despise. Rather than calling out after others, we should work to change those things in ourselves."  If only we could all take this wisdom to heart!  Since we cannot control how others act, the only way to start is to commit ourselves to doing so.  And hopefully we can inspire others to do the same.  Thanks again, RPK!      

Day 10: Compassionate Discipline

Today is Day 10, which is week 1 and 3 days of the Omer. . . Ha-yom asarah yamim, she-hem sh'vua echad u'sloshah yamim la-omer.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurah + Tiferet;  Compasionate Discipline

I had mentioned the other day that Gevurah, discipline, has a few components.  One aspect of focus thus far has been the way we commit ourselves to a goal or a routine.  But the step before commitment that is a part of discipline comes out of judgment.  We commit to those behaviors we judge to be worthwhile and important.  However, we also execute judgement in our interactions with others.  At times, we find the need to let others know our evaluations.  In doing so, we discipline others, attempting to help modify their behavior according to what we believe will be more useful.  

This side of discipline requires our intersected value of the day, compassion.  Tiferet demands that we ask ourselves a question before sharing our judgments with others, and perhaps even before we concretize our own judgments of others: Is this more about me or the other person?  When we discipline others without compassion, we often fall into a gray area of personal opinion.  Just because a certain behavior may not work for me does not mean it can't work for someone else.  Therefore, before we extend our judgements to others, in the form of discipline, our compassion compels us to do so for the other's benefit. 

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  All day long we interact with others.  Therefore, we are constantly being put in a position where it is possible to judge others and even discipline others.  For today, let us take extra care to recognize when we are actively judging along these terms.  And as we catch ourselves doing so, let us ask our question: is my urge to say something/do something about this behavior more about me and my own taste or is it truly to help the other?  If so, how can I gently bring this discipline with care, respect, and from a perspective the other person can actually hear?

 Now, there are obviously times when we must stand up for ourselves for the sake of our own safety and security - and doing so is not necessarily uncompassionate, as long as we allow our compassion to be a part of our process of disciplining.

 

THE OMER UPDATE:

Yesterday's challenge was tough for me.  While I tried to assert discipline over my time during the day, and focus on certain goals that I have often ignored, I failed at my attempts to take extra efforts to track my time.  I did create a sheet to help me do so, just did not use it.  So, my assessment of this task and my efforts to grow are incomplete on this one - but tomorrow's another chance to try.  Some days we find that life requires other foci than the ones we set out to achieve.  This was one of those types of days.  As long as we are aware of the choices we are making as we make them (something I am working on) as we navigate the various pulls on our time, we actively live life and avoid letting it just happen to us (which on occasion has its benefits, as well, but is not a wonderful long-term strategy).      

Day 9: Full of Discipline!

Today is Day 9, which is week 1 and 2 days of the Omer. . . Ha-yom tishah yamim, she-hem sh'vua echad u'snay yamim la-omer.

 

 

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurah + Gevurah;  Lots of Discipline

 

What is the discipline of discipline?  This is the question that we are faced with today.  What does it take to remain committed to the various ongoing tasks that have become central to our lives? Whether it is diet or exercise, answering emails or calling a sibling every Thursday evening - we have certain behavioral patterns that we have chosen to stick to in order to accomplish various goals.  How do we ensure that we do not got so carried away with our discipline that we lose sight of the bigger picture of why we are doing what we do in the first place?  Is there room for more discipline in our lives that can help us use our time more efficiently and allow us to accomplish more of our aspirations?

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  To start, any reflections on the above questions will be helpful.  However, I want to focus on the last question for a challenge of the day.  We all have long lists of goals we wish to accomplish, whether actually written out or most-likely in our minds.  And we all have pesky items that just remain on our lists day after day, month after month, year after year.  How do we ever find the time to put some focus and discipline on accomplishing these goals?  It feels as though our days are already packed, and there is no time for getting to these items, no matter how important they are. 

One of the ways to clear up some space for such additional discipline is to assess the ways in which we are using our time.  Are we committing ourselves to the goals we find to be most important, or do we find ourselves focusing our time on more minor pursuits that we would rather put further down on our priority lists?  The way to do this is to create a time journal: for at least today, and perhaps, if possible, for the rest of the week of gevurot, consider jotting down the amount of time spent on all the things we do during the day into a spreadsheet.  At the end of the day, assign each of the entries to a certain goal we have for ourselves.  Calculate the percentage of time being put forth in each of these goal areas, and see if it matches what we hope for our priorities.  This might help us understand where we might be able to shift priorities a bit and find areas to incorporate more discipline.  

Sometimes it takes an investment of time in order to clear up more time.  May this task help us all understand how be disciplined in the use of our discipline, allowing us to find more of that most-precious gift of time.         

 

THE OMER UPDATE:

It turns out that it is difficult to examine our routines mid-routine.  Often, by the time I realized that I was engaging in an activity that I routinely do in order to accomplish bigger goals, I was practically done with it and ready to move on to the next task at hand.  This left precious little time for reflection, especially finding how to link my actions to chesed. 
That being said, when I did allow myself the chance to seek out the love behind what I was doing today, I found it to be a wonderful pole to which I could anchor myself.  I realized that a great deal of my day is spent dedicating myself to helping other people, which is something I have always valued.  And it helped me to bring the same passion and focus to more mundane parts of my day as I have when I am face-to-face with another person, journeying together. 

Day 8: Moving On to Discipline

Today is Day 8, which is week 1 and 1 day of the Omer. . . Ha-yom shmoneh yamim, she-hem sh'vua echad v'yom echad la-omer.

Mazal tov to all of you who made it through the first week of the omer period.  We now shift to week 2, in which we take on a second of our virtues, Gevurah (discipline), and pick it apart from the various lenses of our Kabbalistic virtues.

In all honesty, this is the week I have been looking forward to exploring from the moment I conceived of this blog.  Gevurah, Discipline, infers judgment.  And when we commit ourselves to do something, we are making a statement that reveals what we have deemed to be important.  It is one thing to SPEAK our judgments and another thing to follow-through with them.  Gevurah is living-out our assessments.  

Personally, I am hoping to improve on my own sense of self-discipline in various areas of my life, and this week should offer me a lot of opportunities to reflect, learn, and grow in order to meet some of the goals I have for myself and to be the person - the individual, the husband, the father, the rabbi, the brother, the friend, the story-teller, the Cubs fan - who I aspire to be.

THE OMER INTERSECTION: Gevurot + Chesed;  We're not quite done with love . . . Where we find love in discipline.

Back on Day 2, we explored the intersection of these same two values, but we did so from the opposite point of emphasis.  Then, we looked at where we experience and express discipline in our loving-kindness.  Today, we are going to flip it around and explore how we experience loving-kindness in the midst of our discipline. 

When it comes to discipline, gevurot, really represents our level of commitment and focus to achieving a goal.  The concept of chesed in relation to discipline speaks to the vision and passion that keeps us going in our attempts at discipline.  We build up a routine of discipline around various behaviors which we find important and valuable, especially when the specific tasks that lead us to our bigger goals require repetition, patience, and step-by-step progress.  It is much easier to follow through with the annoying side of our commitments when we have a solid sense of purpose behind it all.  Often, our tendencies towards chesed reveal our central vision.  For instance, I am blogging every day of the omer.  On a night when I flew home from Florida after saying goodbye to my parents and siblings, dealt with a busy airport, jumped right back into work, and got home late from a board meeting, blogging was not necessarily the first thing I wanted to do.  Sleep has been calling my name since I got into my car to come home, and my bed is a delicious thought, even as I type it.  But, I am attempting to assert my discipline.  And when I remembered this week begins discipline, that this was one of the reasons for engaging in this blog, and that I ultimately wanted to work on my own level of commitment and follow-through so that I can treat my loved ones, my friends, and my community better . . . well, you're reading the results of where my desire to do chesed has influenced my gevurah, my discipline. 

THE OMER CHALLENGE: 

So, how do we apply this idea?  Discipline takes dedication, and at the most difficult times to stick to our goals, it requires a renewal of passion and motivation for why we are committed in the first place.  One of the exercises for today involves exploring the reasons we are dedicated to the various routine parts of our day.  For 24 hours, while performing acts of discipline, reflect for a bit on the bigger ideas behind why we are doing this.  As we identify our motivations, reach down to discover in what way love, chesed, is a source of our commitment - even if it is love of self!  For example, while brushing teeth (hopefully a routine discipline we engage in every day, multiple times per day), think deeply about why we're brushing.  The surface level of reflection should reveal that we brush so that our teeth and gums are healthy. But if we continue to reach towards the ultimate source of love in our rationale, we discover actual insights within the mundane.  Upon reflection, I realize that I brush my teeth so that my teeth will always be there as a part of my smile.  Ultimately, I love to smile and hope that my toothy smile will always be a source of pride and connection to others.  In such a way, brushing my teeth relates to my love for connecting with others and having a positive self image of myself - essentially having love for myself and it is a means towards showing love for others.  

Let us all find the love behind our routines.  And then prepare ourselves to put chesed a bit in the background for a week, until we re-encounter it on day one of week 3. 

 

THE OMER UPDATE:

Wow, I'm really surprised that I have had as much to say as I have written.  So far, I'm hoping that reading this blog is anywhere near as rewarding as it has been to write it.  Ultimately, it is not the reading or writing that has been meaningful, but the reflection and actions that I've taken as a result of those reflections that has made this a very worthwhile few days.

In regards to asserting my leadership as a giver of loving-kindness, I made my list, and I did my best in a busy airport to show kavod, honor, to those who most of the time deal with complaints. It was nice to have a conversation with the woman who checked our bags while waiting for the tags to be printed, and it gave me a few moments to relieve my anxiety of whether or not we would make it through the INCREDIBLE line at the Hollywood/Ft. Lauderdale airport security.  And a Temple board meeting is always a good place to attempt to help others sense the love and respect that I have been fortunate to receive from this community - I hope my attempts came through.